My heart feels really uneasy.
I don't know why.
There are seriously alot of things on my mind.

I just finished reading 'Chicken Soup For The Teenagers' Soul - The Real Deal'
All about school, cliques, friends, etc.
And suddenly I feel so scared.
That one day my biggest secret that I shared with one of my closest friends would actually be let out of the bag just cos some popular girls pressed her for it.
That one day the 'popular girls' clique will spread untrue rumours about me saying something bad about another friend in my clique, or vice versa.
That when I go to my new class in sec3, the other 5 people in my clique will be in the same class while I'm the only one in that other class. And that there is also not a single Guide there.
How ironic.
The book is a self-help book.
And it made me worse.

Everyone thinks I'm pretty strong on the outside.
That I'm not the type who'll break down and cry in class, in front of everyone.

Even in Guides, everyone thinks that I'm free from anything troubling me.
Just cos they think guiders, seniors and juniors like me.
But what goes on inside my mind?
Who will know?
That I feel so noobish
Everytime I tie a loose lash
Everytime my hands shake when I'm holding in pumping position etc
Everytime I forget what I read in my notes.
I keep telling myself to pia and do my best no matter what.
That practise makes perfect.
The no.1 naive statement.
(no.2 naive statement is 'As long as he/she is happy, you are happy.')
After every Guides activity, I'd feel a sense of satisfaction.
I thought I put in my total best.
But the next day...
I'd think again.
Did I really put in my best?
If I did then why am I not even half as seh as my seniors when they were sec2s?
And why is it that I give the impression of being rude to seniors?
Is it the way I talk?
Is it my eye contact?
Or what?
I really don't know ok.
If only I knew what was wrong I'd change it.
But prob is I DON'T KNOW.
Sometimes I feel I really suck at this D:

But I do appreciate the fact that Jiawen and Jia Jia make sure all of us in P6 have a chance to participate in events like Camp Galore, Qi Shou, Speech Day, etc, and not just keep on choosing the same person for everything.
This will make us feel less insignificant and unimportant and unneeded.
Thank you very much sec4s!!! I'll learn from what you all did when I become a sec4 myself next time.
I'll also make sure my juniors don't ever think in the same way as what I'm doing now.
But that's gonna be difficult D:

School work.
As usual.
Everyone thinks I'm gonna pass with soaring flying colours.
And that 'I don't need to study also can get full marks'.
If only it was that dreamable.
But no.
I'm not a freaky genius.
I still have to mug.
And I'm very very careless.
That adds them up.
Am I a 100% straight A student?
Nope.

I'm feeling so emo about so many things.
And our group hasn't even done a single ---- for science fair tingy.
When it's due tomorrow.
Sorry.
I did use self-censorship[:
And we're gonna chiong that after school tomorrow and hand it in.

Sorry for polluting my blog with emo stuff.
But I feel I really need to get this off my chest.
If not it's gonna be all bottled up and I'll start venting my anger on my friends in school, family at home, which is what I don't want.
I know some Guides juniors read my blog.
Pls don't ever follow in my thinking.
Haha how ironic.
I asked you all not to follow but I'm thinking this way D:

'Cos she's everything, everything I'm not.'